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“After Shedding My Armor, I Await Marriage” Chapter 33

"I want to saw through the cage from the inside."

Guo Jian was beaten until he was dizzy and in pain all over his body.

He knew he should leave to avoid further embarrassment and he also knew he wasn’t beaten to the point where he couldn’t stand, but he just didn’t have the strength—not physically, but mentally. His heart wasn’t in it, and his limbs felt weak as a result. He was like a useless, despised puddle of mud.

How had he ended up in such a state?

Guo Jian’s throat hurt because he had lost a tooth from the beating, and his mouth was filled with the taste of blood.

He struggled to think and gradually recalled his days in the Northern Border.

He wasn’t born in the Northern Border; he was just a talented but arrogant young man who offended someone and was sent to the Northern Territory to be a minor local official.

During those years in the Northern Border, he had been diligent and conscientious, without guilt or shame towards the people.

But his dream was to become a high-ranking official in the capital. Although he knew the possibility was slim given his circumstances, he still held on to hope until he met the former commander of the Northern Army, Gu Fu. He knew his chance had come.

He was very smart—Guo Jian didn’t think he was bragging; he knew he was smart. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have immediately seen that the young General Gu didn’t just want to lead the Northern Army; he also wanted to reform the entire Northern Territory. So he seized the opportunity and boarded General Gu’s big ship.

At first, Guo Jian only wanted to take advantage of the situation, riding the wave created by Gu Fu to rise to prominence. Later, he thought it would be better to consider Gu Fu a friend rather than just a stepping stone. So, Guo Jian temporarily halted his ambitions and stayed in the Northern Territory to continue assisting Gu Fu.

Then Gu Fu died.

It was as if fate smiled upon him when he was transferred to the capital. However, everything was more difficult than he had imagined. He had no foundation in the capital, and no matter how strong his connections were in the Northern Border, they couldn’t reach the distant capital.

But he didn’t give up. His determination was strong enough. Starting over from scratch didn’t scare him.

During his tenure at the Ministry of War, he worked hard to integrate into the social circles of the capital’s elite. When he didn’t have enough money, he sent his household servants to sell wine, the Northern Territory’s Huangsha Tang. He didn’t believe he couldn’t endure.

Just as he was starting to make progress, a hot potato fell into his lap—the emperor wanted to form a new Imperial City Army to share power with the Imperial Guards.

It was clear to anyone that this was to protect Li Yu. As the commander of the Imperial Guards, Li Yu was responsible for their problems. However, he had an aunt who was the empress, which gave him a way out.

Having spent so many years with Gu Fu, Guo Jian naturally knew Li Yu. Not only did he know him, but they had a poor relationship. He knew Li Yu would feel humiliated rather than relieved for narrowly escaping punishment because he had heard a drunk Li Yu say that he had gone to the Northern Territory to escape his family’s influence and prove himself. Returning to the capital and being reduced to his original status was worse than losing his position.

Of course, Guo Jian knew Li Yu wouldn’t stoop so low as to deliberately cause him trouble, but he also knew Li Yu wouldn’t help him. So he had to bide his time, letting the Chiyao Army be suppressed by the Imperial Guards while slowly accumulating strength in secret.

Recently, to gain the favor of some officials, he expressed his opinion on the insignificant matter of selecting court officials. The result was mixed: he gained some reputation but also angered the Imperial Guards who disliked him, causing them to trouble the Chiyao Army for over a month.

During this time, nothing went smoothly for him. The morale within the Chiyao Army was low, and discipline had noticeably slackened. Many subordinates began to disregard him, and the modest savings he had accumulated were depleted by the constant troubles brought to his doorstep.

Just now, two Imperial Guards beat him and threw him off a building. Although the height wasn’t great and he wasn’t seriously injured, and even though the two guards jumped down right after him, he felt utterly exhausted, as if he could die just by closing his eyes.

Hope wasn’t lost all at once; it was worn away bit by bit, time and again.

He couldn’t see the way forward and didn’t know how to proceed, or even if he should continue at all.

Perhaps he should never have come to the capital, Guo Jian thought, as a hem of a bamboo-green skirt suddenly appeared in his lowered gaze.

Under the slightly swaying skirt was a pair of lotus-colored embroidered shoes. Above the skirt was a layer of pure white gauze, likely hanging down from a veil.

Guo Jian thought of his wife back home. Because of the numerous rules in the capital, his spirited wife had often complained to him about how troublesome it was to wear a veil whenever she went out.

Thinking of his wife waiting for him at home, Guo Jian felt somewhat comforted. However, the next moment, a very familiar voice reached his ears, causing his mind to go completely blank—

“I never expected you to end up in such a miserable state.”

Guo Jian sat in a private room on the second floor of the Zhiyalou restaurant. Although his mind was still muddled, his senses were exceptionally sharp.

He had just rinsed his mouth with tea, and the lingering sweetness of the tea leaves remained. The scent of wine wafted from the tavern next door, and his surroundings were quiet—unlike earlier when the crowd had cheered and screamed for the passing dragon boat, now he could only hear the voices of two people conversing—

“The first dragon boat will win, right? It’s faster than the others.”

“The bow is damaged.”

“Really? I wasn’t paying attention, I was too busy looking at you.”

Fu Yan: “…”

Guo Jian: “…”

Guo Jian wiped his face and mustered the courage to look across from him again.

Sitting opposite him were a man and a woman… presumably a man and a woman. One was dressed in a woman’s skirt, and the other, judging by the body shape and voice, was a man, but wore a wide-sleeved, hooded coat with the large hood covering his face from the nose up, revealing only his lips and chin.

Of course, he wasn’t the main focus. The main focus was the person in the skirt.

Earlier, he had been downstairs when that person, wearing a veil, appeared in front of him. The voice was so familiar it left him dazed.

Then the person reached out to help him up, but two guards arrived before their hand could touch him, lifting him from the ground.

The person withdrew their hand and said, “Please bring him upstairs.”

After speaking, the person lightly leapt back to the second floor of Zhiyalou, as gracefully as a butterfly.

Guo Jian had no time to marvel because he was certain he had heard Gu Fu’s voice!

On the second floor, he was placed on a chair, and someone brought tea and a basin for him to rinse his mouth and wash his face. He did so in a daze until the pain from his swollen face jolted him awake. He turned sharply to look at the “woman” who had taken off the veil.

He saw an incredibly familiar face.

Since then, he had kept his head down, feeling like something inside him had shattered to pieces.

Now, hearing Gu Fu’s teasing words, Guo Jian felt he shouldn’t be sitting here but hiding under the table.

Noticing Guo Jian’s gaze, Gu Fu turned to him and asked, “Did the beating make you stupid?”

Guo Jian’s eyes suddenly welled up with tears, and he felt an overwhelming sense of grievance. “Shouldn’t you be asking if I’m in pain first?”

“Then…” Gu Fu changed her tone, “Does it hurt?”

Guo Jian shouted, his voice breaking, “Too late!”

Gu Fu, unwilling to coddle him, responded with a cold and annoying “Oh.”

Guo Jian actually started crying, though it was unclear whether he was crying out of anger or because he was overwhelmed with joy and sorrow at discovering Gu Fu was still alive. His crying was heart-wrenchingly pitiful.

After crying, he began eating the rice dumplings on the table, as if he had suddenly found his backbone, losing the despair he had shown downstairs.

Seeing him devour the food, full of excitement, Gu Fu asked, “That happy?”

Afraid of being overheard, Guo Jian lowered his voice and mumbled, “As long as you’re alive, even if you turned into a cat or a dog, I’d be happy.”

Gu Fu laughed and cursed, “You’re the one who should turn into a cat or dog. With that foul mouth of yours, you’d better find some needle and thread to have Miss Qi sew it shut.”

Miss Qi was a medical woman Gu Fu met in the Northern Territory. Her fiery temperament was reminiscent of the strong liquor of the Northern Territory. Two years ago, Miss Qi married Guo Jian, and because she found the title “Madam” too old-fashioned, she insisted on being called “Miss” by those around her. Guo Jian cherished her like a precious gem, often worrying about her. Naturally, he brought her with him to the capital.

Hearing Gu Fu mention his wife, Guo Jian began to smile foolishly, his lips still shiny with the grease from his meal, looking particularly simple-minded. Only Gu Fu knew how ruthless and cunning he could be when needed.

After finishing his meal and wiping his mouth, Guo Jian didn’t ask Gu Fu what was going on. Instead, he asked her, “How can I contact you in the future, General—Miss?”

Gu Fu took off the sachet from her waist and tossed it to him. “Have Miss Qi go to the Gu family in Quyu Alley and ask for Second Miss Miss Gu.”

Guo Jian took the sachet and put it in his sleeve, thinking he’d explain everything to his wife before taking out the sachet, to avoid any misunderstandings.

Gu Fu then asked Guo Jian, “Have you been keeping Miss Qi confined, not letting her go out?”

Guo Jian said, “The capital is not like the Northern Territory. You know her temper. If she accidentally offends a noblewoman or a lady here, I wouldn’t mind, but I’m afraid she might get bullied…”

Having never dealt with women in the capital, Guo Jian only knew his wife was like a tiger in the Northern Territory, doing whatever she wanted. But in the capital, if she behaved the same way, she might be swallowed by the snakes here.

Gu Fu understood. Otherwise, with Miss Qi’s personality, it wouldn’t be possible for her to stay in the capital for six months without causing any commotion.

Gu Fu told Guo Jian, “You don’t have to worry about Miss Qi offending anyone. In fact, her personality might make her likable to some. Besides, she knows medicine. Just let her be.”

Guo Jian agreed.

Gu Fu then asked, “Was it the Imperial Guards who beat you earlier?”

Guo Jian complained bluntly, “Yes, it was Li Yu’s Imperial Guards.”

He feared Gu Fu might not realize it was Li Yu.

Gu Fu chuckled, “What good does it do to tell me? I’m just an ordinary woman now. What can I do to Li Yu?”

Guo Jian grumbled, “Who knows? Just remember today. Get revenge for me if you get the chance.”

Gu Fu’s tone turned slightly cold, “If I really died, who would you count on for revenge?”

Guo Jian immediately backtracked, “Hey, hey, hey! I’ll do it myself!”

Having not seen Gu Fu for a long time, Guo Jian almost forgot that Gu Fu didn’t keep weak subordinates.

Worried that the Imperial Guards might return and cause trouble for Gu Fu, Guo Jian didn’t linger long. He left with the sachet Gu Fu had given him, limping. When he got home, he discovered that the sachet wasn’t filled with fragrant herbs, but with a roll of silver banknotes.

After Guo Jian left, Gu Fu noticed it was getting late and decided to take the carriage back to the teahouse opposite the bookstore with Fu Yan. The Gu family’s carriage and driver were still waiting there.

On the way, Gu Fu, still not giving up, tried to braid Fu Yan’s hair into small plaits. Fu Yan, with his back to Gu Fu, suddenly asked, “Will you leave?”

Gu Fu, trying to recall the steps of braiding, responded, “Leave where?”

Fu Yan lowered his gaze. “Leave the capital.”

Gu Fu found this curious. “Why does everyone think I will leave?”

Fu Yan said, “This place is a cage for you. No one likes being in a cage.”

Gu Fu nodded. “That’s true.”

Fu Yan turned slightly, his smooth hair slipping from Gu Fu’s hands, its cool texture matching his voice. “What are you really thinking?”

Gu Fu met Fu Yan’s beautiful eyes, leaning slightly against the low table, her hand supporting her head.

Since she didn’t catch her sleeve, the wide cuff slipped down to her elbow, revealing her wrist tied with a colorful longevity thread and her forearm, white on the inside but scarred on the outside.

She pondered for a while, also taking the time to appreciate Fu Yan’s current look, planning to draw it later, before saying, “Hmm… I’ve never told anyone this, so don’t think I’m being fanciful.”

Fu Yan turned fully towards Gu Fu, sitting upright. “Go on.”

As she committed his current appearance to memory, intending to draw it later, she said, “I don’t want to leave the cage. I want to saw through it from the inside.”

Gu Fu didn’t use more dramatic words like “smash” or “destroy” because she knew this wasn’t something easy to accomplish.

It couldn’t be done quickly but only through gradual effort.

Even so, she wasn’t planning to change her mind—

“No matter how capable I am, I’m just a woman who disguised herself as a man to join the military, stealing five years that the world thinks shouldn’t belong to me. So I hope that if there are girls like me in the future, they don’t have to live as miserably and reluctantly as I have.”

……

“Does Your Majesty feel discontent?” That day in the palace, Gu Fu asked the Empress.

The Empress was slightly taken aback, then she smiled faintly, but there was no mirth in her eyes. “What’s the use of saying this now?”

Gu Fu didn’t stop the conversation there and continued, “Then does Your Majesty feel discontent for me?”

The Empress almost thought Gu Fu knew about the Grandmaster’s intentions towards her. After a brief pause, she replied, “Yes.”

The Empress wasn’t sure if she felt discontent because she had feelings for the Emperor, and after so many years, she wouldn’t be foolish enough to voice her discontent. However, regarding Gu Fu’s situation, she indeed felt discontent.

This was because the Imperial Preceptor was different from the Emperor. The Empress still couldn’t fathom what kind of person the Imperial Preceptor truly was and couldn’t be certain if Gu Fu would have a good ending if she married him.

Gu Fu didn’t know the Empress’s thoughts and continued, “Your Majesty, do you know why we can only feel discontent?”

This time, Gu Fu didn’t wait for the Empress to ponder but provided the answer herself: “Because our voices are too small. There might not even be ten people like us in the entire capital.”

The Empress didn’t immediately grasp what Gu Fu was trying to convey, but because Gu Fu spoke at a moderate pace and enunciated clearly, she couldn’t help but follow Gu Fu’s train of thought.

Gu Fu continued, “Why is this? Is it because women are naturally inclined to rely on men? Then what about you and me?”

“Your Majesty, do you remember why you wanted to go out and do business?” Gu Fu finally paused after this question, giving the Empress time to reflect.

Of course, the Empress remembered. She recalled how she had to muster all her courage at the beginning, making many jokes of herself and even swearing that she would stop as soon as she made some money, never to engage in such tiring and shameful activities again.

But later, she came to enjoy the feeling of earning her own money, the taste of not having to sit idly by, being able to change something on her own, the satisfaction of her words gradually being taken seriously, and her father including her in discussions with her two brothers. The feeling was indescribably exhilarating.

She even wondered why no one had ever told her before that striving and fighting for herself was far more reliable than worrying in the backyard about whether she would marry into a good family a thousand or ten thousand times over!

As the Empress thought about this, she began to understand why Gu Fu was saying such things to her and even vaguely sensed Gu Fu’s intention. However, she wasn’t certain, so she asked in a somewhat hoarse voice, “What do you want to do?”

“I can’t do anything,” Gu Fu replied decisively. “I don’t think I have the ability to change the world, but I do think it’s not too difficult to teach some girls things that others won’t let them learn, to give them the ability to choose when they want to make a choice.”

She said, “All it takes is an academy, an academy that teaches girls as if they were boys.”

The Empress shook her head. “Not all girls need to have choices.”

There are those who are ambitious, and there are those who are content with their lot.

“It doesn’t matter,” Gu Fu said. “If knowledge and skills are like a knife, they can use it to kill or to cut vegetables. It’s up to them. I just want to give them the knife. What they do with it is their decision, as long as they are willing. Otherwise, how am I any different from those people who say women should just follow the three obediences and four virtues?”

“Even if there is just one girl who needs to use the knife to cut through the fog and finds that she really has a knife in her hand, then everything we’ve done won’t have been in vain, and more people like us will appear.”

Gu Fu spoke of “us” and of “everything we’ve done.”

The Empress lowered her head, contemplating for a moment, before she supported her forehead and laughed.

She understood why she only thought of her past self when Gu Fu said, “I don’t want to get married.” It wasn’t because she liked Gu Fu or because Gu Fu had similar experiences. It was because, among all the people who had ever said “I don’t want to get married” to her, only she and Gu Fu held a knife in their hands.

After laughing, the Empress sighed deeply. “This matter needs to be considered carefully…”


Translator’s notes:

Three obediences – obey the father before marriage, the husband after marriage, and sons after the death of the husband

Four virtues – chastity, modesty in speech, neatness of appearance, and good needlework and cooking.


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After Shedding My Armor, I Await Marriage

After Shedding My Armor, I Await Marriage

卸甲后我待字闺中 Xiè Jiǎ Hòu Wǒ Dài Zì Guī Zhōng
Score 9.2
Status: Completed Type: Author: Released: 2020 Native Language: Chinese

In the ninth year of Yongqing, General Gu Fu died in Qi Huai. The current emperor posthumously honored him as Marquis Zhongshun.

In the twelfth month of the same year, the second Miss Gu, who had accompanied her grandmother to the mountains to perform Buddhist rites for five years, returned home. The first thing she faced upon arrival was punishment—kneeling in the ancestral hall. In the ancestral hall, the elder of the Gu family scolded her, telling her not to act recklessly in the future and to obediently wait for the elders to arrange a marriage for her. However, she responded with a single sentence that made him storm off in anger. An unaware aunt and younger sister came to visit, seemingly out of concern, but they were actually mocking her. She calmly countered their remarks. Finally, her elder brother arrived. The scholarly eldest son of the Gu family paced back and forth in front of her, eventually blurting out, "The military camp is full of men! Do you know that if word of your disgraceful behavior spreads, it will bring shame to the family's daughters?" Gu Fu finally shed her carefree demeanor and replied seriously, "Defending the country is not a disgrace." Upon hearing that the Gu family wanted to marry off the second Miss Gu, the current emperor immediately sought out the empress, earnestly saying, "I regard the second Miss Gu as my own daughter. I can't let her marry just anyone. If empress has time, perhaps you could help me by looking for suitable candidates for her in the capital." The empress: "..." Understood, Matchmaking 101 it is.
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